Eras(her)

Loyalty -noun- the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations

Sometimes I think Im a slow learner... even though obviously I'm not, it seems that somethings I just don't caught on to.

I took 40 minutes out yesterday to delete all the pseudo-friends I have kept in my life. I deleted about 70 people surprisingly. Home numbers, cell numbers, addressed, emails... all gone. And I don't answer number I don't know... and I won't...

I realized through a very small selfish event by someone I would have called a very very close friend, that I have made a huge mistake keeping a lot of people close to me that I really shouldn't. When I'm hurt and frustrated because these people that I care so much for and I would anything for show me over and over and over again they really don't care about me, do they know it? NOPE. When I have sleepiness nights and cry because no one is there for me like I am there for them, do they even know? NOPE... So why keep them in my life? ... see I told you I was a little slow when it comes to this.... Unfortuatly I've been doing this shit for years....

I had a "friend" that I would do ANYTHING for and time and time she has failed me. She has never really been there for me when I am honest without myself and think about it. Its always been about her... Its actually kinda of sad... I would and have done anything she asked of me but I have never had that loyalty returned.

I had a "friend" who pretty much stole from me and smiles in my face about it. I let her borrow $200 and have yet to be paid back. But swears up and down she has ever intention of paying me back...while she goes to clubs, parties, Las Vegas etc getting tattoos and piercings but hasn't even handed me $20 toward my money back. But I took her phone calls and texts...

And wow... I have an ex.. who was a "friend" who has not gotten over me and uses everything she can as an excuse to stay in my life. When she's sick she calls me, when she's in the hospital she calls me... even uses my children as an excuse... but I can't even let her have my cellphone number because she can't help herself texting and calling harassing me about why we can't be together... well this one I can't say I was slow about because well... thats why she doesn't have my number...

I know its cliche to say you're going to make changes for the New Year but this is something I need to do. I refuse to allow people in my life that don't give back the love, friendship, devotion and loyalty that I have given them. It seriously bothers me that I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of for all these years just to keep the people that I loved close to me and blindly believing they loved me too...

And no... I didn't do this as a silent tantrum to get the attention of those that know they have wronged me or even the ones that don't think they did... I did this for me... I will not fuss and argue with those that I realized that haven't been there for me... whats the point? Nothing will change. These are people that I should have let go years ago and I just didn't... honestly its more my fault than theirs...

I've probably said this phase a thousand times this year but I think I have never meant it so strongly as I do today... "I'm done..."